Have you ever seen a really great new television series that completely grips you from the first episode to the season finale, only to tune in to the second season and be disappointed that it’s completely unwatchable? Well, that’s kind of how I feel about my life right now. Things aren’t “bad,” per se — I have a full-time job that I love, my family is healthy (though I always worry about my dad, and my dog is getting older) and… wait, that’s all I can think of. My social life currently consists of a Thursday night trivia league with my coworkers and rehearsals for a show that opens in February. Otherwise, things are way too quiet and melancholy. But I understand why I feel this way. I’m terribly lonely.
The Ex once told me that he thought I had “sad eyes.” When I asked him what that meant, he replied that he had seen a lot of gay guys who were depressed and sad because they weren’t in relationships. I shrugged him off and said that I didn’t feel that way, but I was lying. I knew that what he said was right; like so many other guys out there, I feel unfulfilled and lonely when I’m not in a relationship. I feel that way more than ever right now. Remember that Starbucks date I told you about? Well, that date turned into a whirlwind romance that crashed and burned. We’ll refer to him as Starbucks. Starbucks and I hit it off really quickly. He was super-enthusiastic, affectionate and attentive, and I was lapping it up, even if I knew that slow and steady almost always wins the race when it comes to dating. I did it to myself. You see, Starbucks had just come out of the closet and was (in retrospect, I think) eager to fall head over heels for someone. Because he was cute and cool, and because I was lonely, I got swept up in it.
Three weeks later, he dumped me while we walked around a village festival. I noticed that something was off, and when I pressed him to tell me what was wrong, he explained that he thought we were going to quickly and that he didn’t feel the same way he did when we first met. I was upset, but hopeful — he kept saying “I think I’m making a mistake” and “I regret this already” — but a few days later, he said it just wasn’t going to work. We agreed to stay friends, but after having brunch with him, I realized that this was totally over.
I know that I should have been more careful with Starbucks; he had just come out, I saw the breakneck speed that he was processing his feelings, and I knew that at any moment the bubble could burst. But I didn’t say anything, because I felt so happy to have someone treat me that way. Now I’m down in the dumps and depressed. But I don’t want this to define the next year of my life. I want to meet someone, yes. I don’t want to have sad eyes. But in order for me to go on without a dark cloud over my head like the second seasons of Revenge and Once Upon a Time, I need to brush myself off, remind myself that life goes on, and keep moving. And this blog will certainly help me do that. So here’s to 2014 being another happy, healthy, successful year.